Monday, October 1, 2012


My mind is in chaos lately, maybe has always been, but was more accepting of it before now.  As I age, I expect more of myself.  I had been at peace with my life choices for so long, finding fulfillment in my family life.  But it has become their lives now, separate in many ways from mine, as it should be, as I had wanted it to be for them.  That said, we are still joined, not yet severing the tie, the thread, spooling out to them and back to me.  I am mother and they are child, forever in that order, the hierarchy of the family remains intact.  I have been told my worry is like a judgement on them and yes I see it and yes I must trust in them, in life, in God.  An issue at best for me, trust has always been difficult, revealing oneself, giving one's heart.  Too thin-skinned, overcome by a word, a glance or worse yet, silence.  Again my issue, not theirs, never theirs, and there, I must see a failing as mother in me.  I will begin to unravel the thread, but not completely.  I cannot live without heart or soul.  Do not ask me to do so. That will be one request I will not abide.

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